It Was Always You
by Shattering Darkness
Summary: Telling someone how you feel has always been hard, never getting to tell them is even harder.


"That is possibly the dumbest thing I have ever heard." Sam rolled his eyes at Dean as his brother told him his idea of their group project.

"What? Well, don't tell me how you really feel or anything." Dean grumbled, defensive. "It's brilliant." He all but pouted as Sam rolled his eyes again. "Whatever, Dean. Do you have anything else to present to the group?" He frowned as Dean stared off into space at the door as someone walked in. Cas looked really good today.. He swallowed thickly as the brunette sat down with them, all smiles as usual.

"What's going on guys? Do we have a final idea for the project?" He asked, taking out his notebook. "Sorry I'm late, Meg needed me to drop off her lunch at work." He grinned a little at the mention of his fiancée.

Dean's look soured a little, but he didn't say anything. "Oh yeah? Have you two set a date yet?" He asked, seemingly really interested. Really, he just wanted to know how long he had until Cas wasn't going to hang around him anymore. Marriage always did that…

Cas shrugged and took out his pen, opening the notebook in front of him to a blank page. "Not yet. She wants a winter wedding, so since it's already really close to Christmas, I figure we'll have it late next year." He smiled again. "Good for you, man. Have you told your parents yet?" Sam interjected, noticing his brothers' foul mood now.

"Yeah. They just want to make sure that getting married in college is what I want to do. If I really want the same woman for the rest of my life because I'm so young." He laughed a little and shook his head. "There's no one else I could imagine myself with, you know?" Sam smiled and nudged his brother, attempting to elicit a response.

Dean seemed to spur to life at the nudge. "Wh- Oh, yeah, congrats again man. Now, back to the project." He forced a smile. It was getting harder and harder for him to pretend he wasn't in love with one of his best friends. Sam and Cas chattered away about the project and Dean forced himself to nod or disagree as they talked, letting them take the reins. He was glad, because he was too distracted. He couldn't help but notice the way Cas' eyes lit up when he smiled, or the way the corners of his mouth crinkled when he laughed.. He was brought out of the trance by the professor dismissing the class.

Cas waved at the brothers as he disappeared and Dean sighed heavily, staring after him and making Sam look at Dean warily. "You okay?" He quirked an eyebrow and Dean shot him a look. "I'm fine." He snapped, shouldering his backpack. He needed to keep a bottle on his damn emotions. People were starting to notice.

He couldn't remember when he'd fallen in love, but he remembered whispering his love after Cas fell asleep at his house in high school, he remembered his heartbreak when Cas started dating Meg, and his anger when he found out they were getting married. Why couldn't that have been him? Why was loving a man so wrong?

Dean sighed heavily as he walked to his next class, lost in thought. Why did he have to be so damn weird?

 **XoXoX**

 _Dear Cas,_

 _I'm not much of a writer, but I have to tell you this or I'm going to explode. I'm so in love with you it's fucking stupid. I don't know how to say any of this, so I probably never will. All that mushy, being in love crap isn't my thing. But this secret is eating me alive. You're getting married, so you'll never get this, and that's okay. You're what I want, and you don't feel the same. I just need to write this down or I'm going to end up saying something to you and I don't want to do that. You don't know how much I wish I could just grow some balls and give this to you.. Damnit._

 **XoXoX**

Dean watched Cas walk across the stage, a huge smile on his face as he received his degree. Dean couldn't help but smile, as if the happiness radiating from Cas directly affected his own. In a way, it did. Love did funny things like that.

When it was Dean's turn, he couldn't help but look for Cas, grinning like an idiot. At least he had one major accomplishment in his otherwise hellish life. Being a closeted gay man in love with someone you could never have sucked. It sucked a lot.

After they all had their degree's, the three of them stood and talked about what was next for them. "Oh, Dean! I was wondering if you would help me move my furniture? Meg can't lift the fridge or the couch." He laughed a little. Dean wanted nothing more than to say no, that he could take his couch and shove it, but it was like Cas knew Dean would do anything for him. He grudgingly nodded. "Of course, man." He forced a smile, hoping to God that it looked real enough. It seemed to work enough to be believable. Either that or Cas refused to acknowledge the pain Dean was in. Did Cas already know?

The thought made him pale a bit, but the conversation moved on. Sam couldn't help because he had an interview with some fancy lawyer place that Dean didn't ever catch the name of.

"Thanks guys, I'll catch you later!" Cas waved and went over to Meg, picking her up and sweeping her around before kissing her. "I love you," He smiled down at her. "I love you too," Dean murmured under his breath, thanking everything no one had been around to hear him slip up like that. He swallowed thickly and walked away, unable to watch any more of it. Cas and Meg were perfect for each other, and he hated them for it.

A hand touched his shoulder and he frowned, looking at whoever it could be. Dean never associated with many people, at least not enough for anyone to come up to him at graduation. The blonde girl smiled and stood on her toes, planting a small, soft kiss on his lips and making him elicit a small noise of surprise. She stood back down on her heels with another smile. "I'm Jo." She held out her hand as if to shake and Dean couldn't help but stare in shock. Sure, he'd kissed people before, but never had anyone just come up and plant one on him. "Dean." He couldn't help but laugh a little as he shook her hand. "Do you always just come up and kiss random strangers?"

"No. I've known you for 4 years, Dean." She rolled her eyes and he frowned. "Well. I guess that makes it okay." He snorted a little and she crossed her arms. "Well? Aren't you going to ask me out?"

 **XoXoX**

 _Dear Cas,_

 _Jo is actually.. Pretty great. I never thought I'd like anyone but you. She still doesn't come close though. When I hold her at night, I still think of you. But at least I'm not so alone anymore. I still love you like nothing else, but.. It's nice to have someone to talk to. I hate that I'm your best man, but at the same time, I'm honored. I can't drink before the toast like I want to or I'll end up confessing my love to you and that won't end up well for anyone._

 _I think I'll bring Jo to the wedding. She keeps my mind off you, and it's refreshing. It'll be good for me to have that. I'm glad I have a distraction. Too bad she won't last long, they never do. I keep comparing her to you and I think that's unhealthy, but I'm not sure. I wish that it was me you were marrying, I really do. Could you imagine it? I'd love to see you walking towards me in a nice white tux.. Hell, I'd even wear the white tux if it meant you were waiting for me at the end of the isle._

 _I love you,_

 _Dean_

 **XoXoX**

"Would you just hold still, dammit?" Jo huffed as she undid the tie for what could have been the hundredth time. "You act like you're the one getting married, not Cas." She grumbled and Dean frowned, holding still now. She had a point. Dean's stomach was in knots at the thought of watching his love get married off to someone that wasn't him. He couldn't exactly explain that either. He'd almost told her a few times, accidentally getting on the subject of Cas when they talked. He'd never said anything, but he was sure that she knew. If she did, she didn't say anything and for that, he was grateful.

She finally finished and stepped back to look at her handiwork. Dean smiled a little at her satisfied smile, leaning down and kissing her forehead. "Thanks," He smiled and she hugged him tightly. She often did that.. It always made him smile. "Why do you hug me like I'm going to disappear?" He looked down at her with a slight frown. She'd never be Cas, but he could feel himself giving what little room Cas didn't already take up in his heart to her.

"Because I know that if he told you he wanted you that you'd leave me in a heartbeat." She sighed and looked down. Dean couldn't help but feel bad. She was right. What do you say to someone you care about to ease their worry about something you actually would do? He sighed and didn't say anything for a while, just holding her. "I'm sorry," He whispered. "But I don't want you to go." He murmured. She looked up at him, looking a little shocked. "Really?"

"Yeah." He half smiled. "Who else would cook me burgers and help me fix my car?" He couldn't help the slight grin that appeared on his face. He realized then that he cared about Jo more than he'd admitted to himself. Maybe.. Maybe he'd be okay..

 **XoXoX**

 _Dear Cas,_

 _I thought I could be in love with Jo, and maybe I am, but the pain I felt when you two said your vows, the smiles on both of your faces just killed me. I hated it. That should have been me. I have this feeling it could have been me if I'd just have grown some damn balls. But the funny thing is, I realized I wouldn't know who I'd be with you. I'm just Dean when I'm with Jo, minus a giant gay boner for you._

 _Who am I kidding.. I'm always my best when I'm with you. I just hope you don't ever think we'll stop being friends. If you think that, you're sorely mistaken. If I can't call you mine, the only thing that keeps me going is being able to call you my friend. I feel like these letters make me borderline obsessive, but I'm really not. I just can't keep these things to myself. I need to say something, even if you're not actually getting these.. I can still pretend. I can still have you in my dreams.._

 _I still love you,_

 _Dean_

 **XoXoX**

Dean groaned heavily at his brothers' words. "I don't think I'm ready to move in with her, Sam." He wouldn't hear another word. Sam had been going on and on for ten minutes now. He and Jo had been together for three years now, and he liked their arrangements just fine.

"C'mon, Dean. Just think about it! You've been together longer than Jess and I have! Why won't you just commit?" He frowned and Dean glared at him. "I have been commiting, Sam! Would you just- just drop it, okay?" He all but growled.

"Is this about Cas-"

"Don't. I mean it Sam."

"I think it's time to get over that, Dean." His words were quiet.

Dean whirled on him, fists clenched. "Don't you dare tell me to get over it! What do you even know? You got what you wanted. Cas got what he wanted. I didn't. Just.. Drop it. Seriously." He growled. Sam put his hands up in defense, sighing heavily. "Would you at least think about it? She loves you Dean. You could at least try."

Dean sighed heavily, sitting on the park bench next to him and running a hand through his hair. "I love Jo. I know I do. I have no idea why the thought of waking up next to her makes me so damn sad. What's wrong with me?" He looked at Sam, opening up to his brother for the first time since their dad died.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Dean. You're in love. I know you are. You've been in love with him for years, it takes time to come to terms with the fact that it won't happen." He sighed again and Dean cringed. "I know it won't." He mumbled.

Sam didn't say anything for a moment. "I won't push it anymore, but she's good for you. You're happier than I've seen you in years." Sam stood and looked down at his anguished brother. "Can you at least promise me you'll think about it at least?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah. I'll think about it."

 **XoXoX**

 _Dear Cas,_

 _I finally asked Jo to move in with me. I thought it would be hard, waking up next to someone who wasn't you, but I think I'm starting to actually love her. But when I kiss her, I still remember that time in high school where we kissed because of that dare. That was the best kiss I've ever had.. I can still see us married with kids and crap. That's my ideal future. But maybe I could still have a future similar to that with Jo. Would you be mad if I got over you? I don't think you would.. I'd like to think you would want me to be happy, because that's how you are. I guess that's how I am too. You're happy, so I'll make myself happy too._

 _No matter how close Jo and I become, you'll always be number one. How sad is that?_

 _I'll always love you,_

 _Dean_

 **XoXox**

Dean groaned at the phone vibrating on his nightstand. Jo moaned softly in her sleep, the vibrations waking her up. He answered the phone and slid out of bed quietly, walking to the living room. "Cas? Cas, are you okay?" He grumbled, voice thick from sleep.

"Dean.. Dean, it's a girl. I have a baby girl." He sounded exhausted, but absolutely happy. Dean couldn't help but smile at the happiness in his voice.

"Really? Cas that's amazing. Is she beautiful?" He asked, unable to be sad that it wasn't him and Cas celebrating their adoption or something. Fuck, he was such a sad human being.

"She's absolutely gorgeous. Are you ready to be a godfather?" He asked quietly and Dean grinned. "Cas, I wouldn't turn that down for the world. Of course I'm ready." He laughed a little. "Jo and I will come up to the hospital later today after she wakes up to see the baby, okay?" He could practically hear the smile he knew Cas had on his face.

"Good. Meg and I are looking forward to seeing you guys."

"Good. We will be there." He went to hang up but heard Cas call his name. He frowned and put the phone back up to his ear. "You're happy, right?" Dean raised an eyebrow.

"Happy? I-Well, yeah. Are you happy?"

"Of course I'm happy, Dean. I know I've been a bad friend. But you seem happier than I've seen you in a very long time. I'm glad to hear that." Dean laughed a little. "I'll see you in a bit." He hung up and padded to the kitchen, making coffee as he mulled over what Cas had said. It had been a while since Cas had actually asked about how Dean was doing.

"Dean? Baby, are you okay?" Jo stood in the doorway, blonde hair messy, wearing nothing but one of Dean's button ups. She looked adorable. He smiled and nodded, grabbing his cup and handing her one. "You ready to go meet my goddaughter?" He asked with a small grin.

"She finally came? Why didn't you wake me up?!" She pouted a little and Dean couldn't help but laugh again. "I just got off the phone with her, calm down." He grinned. "Enjoy the coffee, wake up a little more. The baby won't go anywhere."

She rolled her eyes and sat in the chair next to him as they enjoyed their coffee in companionable silence.

 **XoXoX**

 _Dear Cas,_

 _Your baby girl is absolutely beautiful. Of course half of you is going to be amazing, it doesn't matter who the other half of the DNA is. I couldn't be more jealous of Meg than I was when I watched you dote on her and the baby left and right. I wish I could be that for you.. I can feel my love growing stronger as I watch you become a father.. This fucking sucks. When will I get over you? Why can't I?_

 _I asked Jo to marry me yesterday, like you and Sam said I should. It felt.. Right, but still wrong. She looked beautiful at dinner though, and the ring suits her well. Maybe the closer the wedding gets, the less afraid I will be about this. I feel like when I get married, I won't feel like this anymore. When I get married, that will be it. I have 8 months. 8 months left to love you.. I never want that to end. I have to finally grow those balls I've been talking about, I guess. So why don't I want to?_

 _I'll never stop loving you,_

 _Dean_

 **XoXoX**

Dean couldn't help the small smile as he looked over at Jo. He'd fallen for her more since he'd proposed, but he still found himself battling the love he felt for Cas. He placed a hand on her thigh after stopping at the light, sighing a little. "I don't want to go to this stupid birthday party." He grumbled.

"You're being a petulant child, Dean. It's _your_ stupid birthday party. Don't give me that." She rolled her eyes as they stopped at another light. She leaned over and kissed him softly, a small smile on her face. "You know I love you, right?" She said, her eyes searching his.

He smiled. The world went black. Jo's screams echoed in his mind. Why did everything suddenly hurt?

 **XoXoX**

 _Dear Dean,_

 _I've read your letters to me. I had a small feeling that you'd felt that way for years, but I had no idea that it would have been so.. Strong. No matter, I'm keeping all of them. They're all I have left of you, after all. You have no idea how hard your funeral was, Dean. You're gone, and I wasn't there in time. There are so many things I have always wanted to say to you too. I wish I'd grown those balls you were talking about instead, because my life could have been with you. I just didn't know, Dean. I'm sorry I didn't know._

 _Jo is really torn up. She really loved you, Dean. The baby is fine. I don't think she told you, but she's pregnant. I'm going to help her as much as I can. She's giving the world half of you. I wish you could be here for the child's birth. I feel like you would have made a wonderful father._

 _I remember that kiss in high school too. I dream about it sometimes, actually. Is it sad to say I've been in love with you since then? It was always you, Dean. I'm sure you've got me beat on the length of time you've loved me, but still. I felt the same. I never got to tell you and that will always be one of my biggest regrets in life. Maybe when we meet again, it'll be different. I hope you don't hurt anymore, Dean. Standing over your casket, I finally confessed to you my feelings.. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I didn't see it. I'm sorry.._

 _I'll always love you too,_

 _Cas._

 **XoXoX**

 **AN: Alright, don't kill me. This started off as a little idea for KH, then I decided on Destiel, only it's not really Destiel... I don't really ship anyone but Destiel in the SPN fandom, but I actually really like this story. My first Destiel fic cx Hope you guys like it as much as I do**


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